22 months ago

22 months ago today my life was changed forever. We welcomed the sweetest (sometimes very stubborn) little boy into our lives. The love of a mother is often times indescribable. I have been in aw of this little boy that has grown from 8 lb 12 oz and 21 inch long baby into a 31 lb and 37 inch tall toddler in the past 22 months. He has grown from needing me for his every need to calling on me only when he has discovered that he isn't able to achieve whatever it is that he is after. I am so proud that he is walking and talking and potty training and developing normally, but in my heart I am still sad that he has grown up so fast.

Oh, how I wish that my Memaw could see him now. I know that she would just love to see him talking and trying to say his ABC's and his blessing. I know that she would be so proud of the fact that we are trying so very hard to get him to say "yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir and no sir". I wonder if Reily would "hollar" Memaw the way that he "hollars" Granna. I so wanted Memaw to be as big a part of his world as my parents have been.

A New Job and No More Tonsils

That's right! I have a new job. I was hired at Baptist Medical Center East in the Emergency Department as a patient care tech. I am really excited to start this new adventure in my life. My shift will be from 3pm until 3am. I know that this is going to be difficult to adjust to, but hopefully in no time at all I'll have it down. Todd knows that he is going to have to pick-up the slack on the nights that I am at work, but we think that this is what is best for our family right now. I will be able to pick-up health insurance and after I've worked there for one year they a tution reimbursement program, so hopefully I can get back into nursing school!


Reily had his tonsils and adnoids removed and tubes put back in Friday, August 13. We thought that we would have to stay over night, but Reily started drinking right away so we were able to come home the same day. I was really nervous, but over all Reily did really well-except for the sleeping part. He has gone back to daycare now and seems to be on the mend.

One other thing before I go-Reily is potty training! That's right! At 20 months old my big boy is going to the potty. He has done really well, for the most part. He is still sleeping in diapers, but during the day he is going to the potty. This makes my heart fill with pride and fill with saddness all at the same time. If he is still in diapers then he still needs me to do something for him, but if he goes to the potty by himself and feeds himself and plays by himself, what does he need mommy for? I am so proud of him and really wouldn't want things any other way! I love my big boy!!

Until next time...

1st Day of School

Today is the 1st day of school. I know that it's a little early, but I've already started thinking about Reily's 1st day. What will he wear? Will he let me kiss him before I go? Who will his teacher be? Will he make friends easliy? I have been thinking about all of these things as more and more people are posting pictures or funny stories on Facebook from their childs 1st day of school. What will our 1st day of school lool like around here?

Watching Reily grow has been the most amazing experience of my life. God has blessed me with a beautiful, happy, healthy little boy and I have been choosen to be his mommy. Every stage that he goes through (even the tough ones-like right now everything is "mine") I say a prayer of thanks, because I know that he is getting bigger and stronger and smarter everyday! I am so truly thankful that I-me-was choosen as this little boys mommy.

Until next time...

20 months old

Reily turned 20 months old on Saturday, August 1st. Due to different reasons, Reily's 18 month check-up was a little late-2 months to be exact. His appointment was yesterday and he is a BIG boy. Reily weighed 32 lbs (97%) and was 36 1/2" tall (110%). Can you believe that? He is going to be a big guy. My fear (yes that's the mom coming out) is that others will expect more from him because he looks older than what he really is. My fear is that he will have trouble meeting friend because they will be afraid of him because of his size. I know that I am probably over thinking it a little, but I still think about these things.

Mom was telling me that I was only 26lbs when I went to kindergarten in 1988. I can't even imagine how little I looked compared to the other children. Who would have thought that I am at the size I am now!

My uncle, mom's brother, Larry, died Christmas day 2004. He was a BIG man as well. When he was able to stand up straight he measured 6'10 1/2". When he was still able to stand, I come up to his belt buckle and my grandmother was even shorter than I was. I loved my Unlce Larry, as did most everyone who ever met him. I hope so badly that Reily will be tall like him, but most of all I hope that Reily will take on some of the sweet and loyal traits from him. Unlce Larry loved his family and we loved him.

until next time...

Update

My mom reminded me this morning that I needed to update my blog-so here goes. Reily is growing like a WEED! He is so big and is learning so much. He went back to daycare last month and I just cannot believe how much he is talking and expressing himself. I was worried that Reily had a delay in his speech, so that was my main reason for putting back into daycare. He was evaluated by a speech therapist, but the test showed that he had some delay, but not enough to be accepted into the program. She thinks that with being around other children his age, he will begin to pick-up and be right right where he should be in no time at all. The therapist did note that Reily has some oral motor disfunction. If you have ever met Reily you know right away that he is a BIG drooler, and he always has his mouth open. The therapist has recommended an occupational therapist through the Easter Seals program. We are going to hold off on that for now, because Reily is having his tonsils and addnoids removed next week. The therapist thinks that may help some, because Reily has such large tonsils that may be why he is keeping his mouth open and drooling. We shall see.

About the tonsils and addnoids-please say a prayer for us. Todd is my rock and strong hold, but we are both concerned about Reily being put to sleep for the surgery. He is just so young and every horrible thought has entered my mind. I try and focus on the positives like-less sickness, hopefully less drooling, and if he has it now maybe he won't remember it and not have to indure it as an adult. I have been told so many positive stories about how children have changed and feel so much better after having their tonsil removed, but my mother-in-law told me a horrible story of a child in her neighbor dying after having his tonsils removed. I know that I am saved by a gracious and loving God and I beleive that he already knows the outcome of Reily's surgery. I do draw comfort from knowing that!

More about the talking-Reily is saying all kinds of things now. He names mommy, daddy, sister (Jessica), sissy (Brook), paw-paw (my dad) and lala (my sister, Leslie). The only person that he will not name is my mom. As you can imagine, this is driving her crazy. "Why do you say everyone's name, except mine?" my mom ask him. When she does ask him what her name is his reply is always one of 3 names-PawPaw, lawn mower, or CeCe (my parents dog). He just laughs when she tells him that is not her name. At 20 months old he is "yankin' her chain."
Reily is also asking for "yo-yo" (yogurt) and I just LOVE that. He thinks that is his dessert after dinner every night.

More prayer request-I am asking for prayers for my mom, sister and myself. It has been a little over 3 months since my grandmother's passing. I have faith that she is in a GREAT place with a whole body and has no pain at all, but the ones that are left and still in pain. We miss her everyday. My mom has tough days, often, and just this past weekend my sister called me and we just had a cry fest. We talked about Memaw in the past tense and that itself just breaks my heart. My mom has a hard time going shopping anymore because that was Memaw's favortie thing to do, and just today I went by mom's office to pick-up my Avon order and mom was telling me how hard it was for her to even open an Avon book anymore. When Memaw got to the point that she really couldn't get out and about anymore, she started ordering from magizines. When we were going through her things there were many things that had not even been opened. I think that the reason behind all of her shopping was because she never really had alot. She was never able to go to a store and buy a new shirt. But, about 15 years ago, an angle, to her and our family, come along. Memaw didn't have to worry about anything anymore. He took care of everything. She was very well taken care of in every asspect of her life. She was finally able to give gifts-like she always liked to do, but wasn't able-and buy things for herself. The Saturday before she died, my mom and I took her shopping. Of course we went to Belk-her favorite store-and she insisted on buying me a pair of earrings and a pair of shoes. I look at those earrings everyday. I am so thankful that I allowed her to buy them for me (I thought that they were too expensive) because I will forever have a sweet reminder of how loving and sweet and caring she was.

Until next time...

Saddness

Saturday, May 22, Todd's step-father Ronnie died. In one month from my grandmother's death I was facing death and the whole burial process all over again. Though I was not close to Ronnie it was still very moving to watch his family grive over their husband, father, brother, cousin, friend, etc. Ronnie had a military funeral and the Freddom Riders even showed up. It was all very nice and moving.

When Ronnie was in Jackson Hospital and I went back for the first time I thought that was going to be the hardest part-wrong! Ronnie's body was also at Gassett Funeral Home and in the chapel where Memaw was. That was the hardest part. Just remembering how she looked, the smell of that place, and ALL the tears that were cried in that room. It all came flooding back. I know, I know-Memaw is not there, but it is where we saw her earthly body for the last time. It was where we touched her for the last time, and for me it was where I left part of my heart.

Everyday is getting easier-not a whole lot, but nonetheless easier. I am reminded of Carrie Underwood's song "This is our temporary home-It's not where I belong-Windows and rooms, that I'm passing through-This was just a stop-On the way to where I'm going-I'm not afraid because I know-This is our my temporary home."

Again?

Within one month from the death of my grandmother, we are being faced with the reality of death once again. Todd's step-father, Ronnie, is currently in Jackson Hospital with several broken bones (from recent falls) and lung cancer that has progressed so that there is no treatment for him. The treatment plan at this point is to make him comfortable.

As I was walking into the hospital last night a flood of emotions hit me. My heart was racing and I began to cry. I know that Memaw is not there, but just knowing that is where she took her last breath is still hard to come to terms with. Death in itself is hard to come to terms with. As we were in the waiting room I replayed the events that took place for the 1 week that we were at Jackson Hospital. I remembered the fears, questions, concerns and realization that Memaw was not coming home this time. She was going to her eternal home. I felt for Brenda (my mother-in-law) because I knew all to well of what she is going to have to face in the next few days. Tough questions, hard decisions, and knowing that she is going to have to let go. Those feelings are still real for me at this point.

It was really no secret for anyone in our family that Memaw was beginning to go down hill. I know that it was the Lord that lead me to start praying for peace and comfort for our family when the time came for Memaw to pass. I didn't know why at the time this was my prayer, but I went with it. I prayer for peace for Memaw and I prayed for peace for us, her family. I prayed that her passing be swift and peaceful and I believe that God answered our prayers. The situation wasn't exactly how any family imagines there loved one passing, but I believe Memaw was at peace with knowing that all of her family was with her as she took her last breath. Mom, Dad, Aunt Janice, Debbie, me, Leslie, Jeremy, Teresa, Matt, Aunt Ann, Aunt Marie and R.B. where all in the room with her. I believe that she felt safe and secure in knowing that we were there with her. Her passing was swift and peaceful and I know that was God answering my prayer.

I am now praying for peace and understanding for Todd's family, now. I'm not sure where Ronnie or Brenda stands in their faith in Jesus, so my prayer is that the will see him through this situation. I pray that Ronnie is not in pain and passes swiftly and peacefully if that is God's will.

It will get easier, right?

Well, it has been 2 weeks ago today that we said good-bye to Memaw. When will life fell like it did before? When will the tears stop? When will we be able to go shopping again and find real joy in it? I know that all of these things will come, but when? I think about her everyday. I dreamed about her 2 nights ago. It is so painfully real, but surreal at the same time. What will my life look like now that she is gone? My dad's dad died in 1979 so I never knew him. My mom's dad and my dad's mom both died in September 1988. I was only 5 so I didn't really understand. I had 27 wonderful years with my grandmother and I miss her terribly.

I was very blessed to have the kind of grandmother that I did. She was always involved in mine and my sister's lives. My mom says that we are "klanish" but that's OK with me. I remember sharing my birthday with Memaw. My birthday is February 4 and her's was February 9th, so for many years we celebrated together. On Christmas morning my grandmother would come to our house to see what Santa Claus had brought us. She would come in her PJ's and we would be so excited to show what all we had gotten. We would eat breakfast and then she'd go back home. We did LOTS of shopping together. She always wanted to buy me something everytime we'd go shopping. The last time we went she insisted on a pair of earrings for me. I thought that they were too expensive, but she meant I was having those earrings (She thought that I never wore enough jewelry). I will cherish those earrings forever. They mean more to me than I ever thought they would.

On a different note, Reily has strep throat AGAIN. It has been a little over a month since the first episode with strep and here we go again. He started putting his fingers in his ears on Saturday, but we were out at the ball field all day and it was really windy. I just thought that his ears hurt from being in the wind all day. Well, him putting his fingers in his ears continued and he has been fussy and hasn't really been eating. I hate putting him on antibiotics, but I guess you do what you have to do. The nurse weighed him today and he weighed 28.2 lbs. A VERY big boy.

While we were seeing Dr. Dieble I asked her about potting training. I told her that this morning he pooped in his diaper and brough me his wipes and diaper rash cream. I couldn't believe it! Is it really time to be potty training? Am I ready for all of this? Well, ready or not Dr. Diebel suggested going ahead with potty training. So wish us luck.

Until next time...

This is our tempoary home

On Wednesday, April 21, 2010 I said good-bye to my best friend. I don't know alot of people who could say that their grandmother was their best friend, but mine was. I could talk to her about anything. We laughed, joked, cried, and even got mad at each other, but I always knew that she only wanted the best for me. She was mine and my moms shopping buddy. We might not have bought a single thing on the days we went shopping, but we always managed to have a good time.

The last week of my grandmother's life was pretty painful for everyone involved. She was taken to Jackson hospital on Wedneday afternoon, April 14, for an allergic reaction she had to an iron infusion. While she was there and being treated for the allergic reaction she started screaming with her right leg hurting. My grandmother had had several back surgeries and stuffered from neuropathy, so our thoughts that she was in pain from lying in the bed for so long. We did everything that she asked us to do to try and ease the leg pain. The nurse gave her some Morphine to try and ease the pain as well. Me and mom were there with her in the ER until 10pm that night. My mom called me around 9am Thurday, April 15 saying that she had just talkd to R.B. and he had called 911. When he tried to get Memaw out of bed her right leg just collasped. She could not put any weight on the right leg at all and it was cold as ice and was turning blue. Haynes ambulance bypassed Elmore Community Hospital and took her back to Jackson Hospital. She was immediatley assed and within an hour she was being prepared for surgery. The doctors explained to us that she had a blood clot in her leg-actually it was hgher up, but we didn't know that at the time. The vasuclar doctor preformed a triple "fem-to-fem" bypass, trying to get some blood flow to her right leg. The doctor told us then that she would require an amputation, but we would have to wait and see how much of the bypass would take. After surgery she was put in CCU. We called my Aunt Janice in Florida to tell her that she should probably be making her way here. We were able to see her around 3pm that afternoon and she was still telling us that her right leg hurt. Aunt Janice and Uncle Jimmy got here about 9pm and was able to see her and talk to her.

Friday afternoon, April 16, Aunt Janice's 60th birthday, Memaw was taken to surgery for an amputation. The doctor informed us that he may have to take to entire leg, all the way up to the hip. He told us of all the risk and that this would be his 4th case in his 26 years of practice. We were all very scared by this point. I prayed, harded than I think I have ever prayed. I prayed for comfort for Memaw and comfort for us, her family. I knew that if she made it through this surgery she would be fine. Within an hour and a half the doctor was calling the family to the door. He told us that she was stable, but on a ventalator. I thought, "Thank you God! She made it through!" The nurses told us that they would try to start turning the vent down the next morning. Debbie, my cousin from Florida made it around 6pm that night.

Saturday, April 17, Memaw was trying to respond to us. She would open her eyes and move her mouth, but no word on taking her off the vent. I remember telling Todd that the longer she stayed on the vent the hard it was going to be for her to come off. The only real change by this point was her left big toe had started to turn blue. We visited her at 10am, 2pm, 5pm, and 9pm everyday that she was in CCU. We talked to her, reminding her that we would not leave her side and that she was very loved. We never mentioned that her right leg was gone. We didn't want her to worry about that.

By Sunday, April 18, Memaw was having trouble with her kidneys, liver, intestines, and vascular systems. The nurses informed us that she was in fact in multiple organ system failure. The nurse told us that we would be meeting with a palative care doctor on Monday. We didn't know what to expect from him, but were told that he deals with end of life issues. My heart was in so much pain by this point. Not only am I witnessing my grandmother dieing, but I'm also witnessing, first hand, the pain that my mom and aunt were feeling. They were losing their mother. Oh my God, what would I do in their position? We were all terrified and scared at what the future would hold for Memaw.

Monday afternoon, April 19, mom, Aunt Janice, and R.B., met with Dr. Paul Strong. He informed them that there was not any hope for Memaw to recover. She was just too sick. Her body was in shock. The decision was made to remove Memaw's vent on Wednesday. She had been given every chance there was and she was just too sick. I know that was a tough decision for R.B., mom and Aunt Janice, but I have no doubt that it was the right one.

Tuesday, April 20, there really wasn't much change. She was producing very little urine, maybe 90-100cc-the normal is 1000cc per day. She wasn't responding to us at all anymore. She was so swollen from all of the fluid. We still visited her 4 times a day, or more if the nurse would let us. Tuesday night was awful for everyone. I don't think any of us slept.

Wednesday, April 21, was a very sad day. We knew what we were there to do and our hearts were very heavy. We all went in at the 10am visit. Dr. Strong came in with us and told us that there had not been any improvement in her condition. He told us that he would get the orders signed for the vent to be removed. We all told her how much we loved her and what a trooper she had been. I knew that she was tired, but God I wanted to keep her there just so I could touch her. Why did she have to go? We waited in the waiting room for the dreadful call. Around 11:30am-11:45am we were called back to her room. The vent had been removed and she was struggling. We all got to kiss her again and hold her hand. I thank God that her passing was quick and peaceful. She had the most restful expression on her face when she passed. She drew her last breathe at 12:10pm that day.

Now, the hard part has started-living life without her. I can't believe that Reily will never know her. He will never know the sweet, caring person that she was. He will never know my best friend. I have tried really hard to stay stong, but I do have my moments. It just doesn't seem real yet. I still feel like I should be going Saturday to pick her up to go shopping. I know that losing a loved one will get easier, but right now it is still freash and very painful. I do have hope in knowing that I will see her again one day!

"Be good and don't bring home any shoes." -R.B.

Until next time...

Stay-at-home mommy

Well, it looks like I will be a stay-at-home mommy for awhile. I lost my job January 6. I think that it was really a blessing-other than trying to find insurance. I am really enjoying staying at home with Reily. We have had a really good time together and I am getting things done that I haven't had time to do. A friend of mine just told me the other day that she had a whole new respect for women who worked and had children. She has been a stay-at-home mom for the past 8 years and has just recently gone back to work. She said that she isn't taking anything away from women who stay at home, but working all day and then coming home to your family is the hardest thing that she has had to do in awhile. I realize that I was missing out on so much of Reily's day. I missed being able to lay him down for naps-in his own bed-and knowing exactly what he had for lunch, changing his diaper, reading books, playing in the floor, going for walks and playing in the park. I was missing all of that. I know that it is going to be hard adjusting to one income, but I believe that I am doing what is best for Reily-and there is no amount of money worth that.